#38 Dark Hours

>Dear Agent,

I am writing to you today because I’m seeking representation on my young adult, urban fantasy manuscript DARK HOURS.

When you’re seventeen marriage is the last thing on your mind.  Unless you’re Summer James, and doing so saves the world.

Part witch and part Decca warrior, Summer has just five months to bind herself to a suitor. Of course, not just anyone will do, she must be in love with them. Otherwise, a crazy demon will rise and rule the world. In order to stop this event from occuring, her parents force her to go out on blind dates hoping she’ll fall for one of them. This isn’t how she wants to find love.

As luck would have it, she receives a special mission from the high council of the Decca warriors. She must protect Drew Falcore from a killer hunting him. Now, forced to spend all their time together a past attraction is reigniated. But a love like theirs is forbidden and the punishment is death.When Landon, a student of her father’s is sent to protect her, she notices something growing between them. She forces herself to push away when she uncovers his family’s future plans for him, which don’t include her.

When the fate of the world hangs over her head and time running out she feels she’ll need a mircle to make the right decision. Because one of these guys holds the key to vanquishing the threat against her life and the world. DARK HOURS is a young adult urban fantasy, complete at 60,000 words.

I am an active member of the YaLitChat group.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

***

Chapter 1: Decisions

 It was near the violet hour, or as humans call it, evening.

I began pacing around in my ugly, pastel green bedroom, trying to think of a great excuse to set me free from this god-forsaken date with, Josh Wickman. He was gorgeous, sure, but that didn’t matter to me.  His brains were mush— like most males, I quickly found out. Oh, and his arrogance? Wow!

I never thought I’d meet anyone as pigheaded and disgusting in all my life, but somehow I had.  Thanks to my stubborn, loving parents playing the game of matchmaker— I had the new job of getting rid of him.

Stupid clan vow! Curses flew out of my mouth.

A knock came at the door, pulling me away from my thoughts. I grumbled, rolled my eyes, and called out, “What?”

“Summer… Josh is here,” My mother said sweetly outside my pale oak door.

Josh “The Loser” who knows everything about the element of Fire. Yay, I thought sarcastically as I brushed past my bed.

I moaned, “I’m not feeling well.” It was followed by a hard, fake cough that hurt my lungs.

Executed to a “T,” if I were dealing with humans, they would have thought I had bronchitis. In fact, any other mother or father would have fallen for it. My parents were different though. So naturally, she burst into my room, glaring at me as she stormed her way in. I didn’t stiffen, as usual. Instead, my feet remained planted firmly to the floor while her violet eyes gave me a once over.


7 Responses to “#38 Dark Hours”

  1. Amalia T. says:

    >You had me with your query up until Landon is sent to protect Summer who is protecting Drew, who she's forbidden to love. After that things got a little bit murky– Who is she forcing herself to push away from? Landon or Drew? I wasn't really clear on what made Drew any different to make their love forbidden, either.

    Your first 250 get us right into Summer's head, and I think you've got a great voice there.

  2. Rissa says:

    >Good opening on the query! Makes me wonder how marriage can save the world so I want to read on. In the second paragraph you misspelled occurring.

    Third paragraph… is Drew human, Decca or witch? Reignited is misspelled. The part about their love being forbidden and punishment is death makes me want to read more to find out why. Why would she need Landon to protect her when she is supposed to be protecting Drew? That part is a little confusing.

    Fourth paragraph… miracle is misspelled. Also the first sentence needs to be reworded. Maybe change to: With the fate of the world hanging over her head and time running out, she'll need a miracle to make the right decision. Only one of these guys holds the key to vanquishing the threat against her life and the world.

    Overall, this would be something I would want to read. Heck I do want to read it!

    As for the 250 words. Love "the violet hour" very descriptive! I can see the evening sky. Good job getting in her head. I would take out the "lys" as I call them. sarcastically, sweetly – you don't need them. You do a good job with Summer's character so that even in only 250 words we know she is being sarcastic with her Yay.

    Great voice in this. Love the plot. Definitely a book I would buy.

  3. Hhook says:

    >I liked the 250. Gave just enough info away to let us know she's not an ordinary girl without bogging us down in backstory.

    The query was generally good, but I'd like to know why her love's forbidden to Drew.

  4. SuzanneWrites says:

    >I also got a bit confused when you added Landon to the mix. I think you need to make clear if she's falling for Drew or Landon, or for both.

  5. Annarkie says:

    >I'm usually not a fan of love triangles, but this story sounds like a lot of fun! I think some more clarification is needed in in the last part of your query.

  6. Gail Hart says:

    >The query could stand to be tightened by deleting unnecessary words, such as the first seven words of the first paragraph.

    Also, I felt a bit confused because too many things weren't explained, such as why she has to marry to save the world (though this twist on teenage marriage is interesting), why her love for Drew isforbidden, and as a couple of other people mentioned, how the heck does Landon get into the act?

    In the 250 words, I agree with Rissa that you would do better to use fewer adverbs. You have a tendancy to wordiness.

  7. Libbie H. says:

    >If I were an agent…

    The query:

    “Marriage” is a noun, not a verb. Right off the bat, you’ve got a syntax error that makes me wonder whether the whole manuscript is full of them. Reword the opening of your query so it reads easier – I’d also lose the first paragraph entirely. It’s just not necessary. There’s only one reason why writers contact agents.

    I don’t know what a Decca warrior is. And “a crazy demon”? I’m not sure whether this is an attempt at quirky voice or what, but the rest of the paragraph (and the query) lack any semblance of voice, so this just feels really out of place.

    …and I’ve stopped reading at “reigniated.” It’s probably just a typo, but it’s one you should have caught. Put time and effort into your query letter. Make sure it’s something you’ll be proud to use to represent you and your work.