Writer’s Wednesday: Why I was jealous of my vacuum cleaner.


So I had no clue what I was going to write today.  In fact, I received a tiny bit of bad news yesterday and was doing my whole overly melodramatic “I suck!  I suck so badly the vacuum cleaner is laughing at me.” thing that I tend to do every once in a while.  (I don’t do it too often because…well who wants to listen to a whiney, insecure person who’s jealous of a vacuum?! )  Well, anyway, I was doing my rant and felt I should probably just give up on writing anything that made sense and went to read.
BIG MISTAKE!! NEVER and I repeat NEVER let your friends read when they’re feeling sorry for themselves!  (It’s like the writer’s equivalent of drinking and driving.  Well, okay, it’s not THAT bad, but…you’ll see what I mean.  It’s a TRAIN WRECK waiting to happen.)  Then you get this:
“Oh, GOD!  Look at this.  This writer is the most awesome of awesome writers everywhere.  Look how she says this in like ONE SENTENCE!  I could NEVER write that in ONE SENTENCE. It would take me like a hundred fajillion sentences for me to pull that off.  And look!  No ADVERBS.  She’s like the GODDESS of writers, because I can see this perfectly without adverbs.  I suck I would need at least 10 adverbs lined up one after the other to make that work.   There’s not a single typo.  Look at my ROUGH DRAFT it freakin’ SUCKS.  I have SOO many typos. And my beta said this doesn’t make sense.  But this totally cool writer has everything that makes sense. “
I’m sure you’ve seen the flaw in my logic.  If you haven’t then you must be where I was yesterday.  I was comparing a ROUGH DRAFT to a FINISHED book that has had more people going over it to make sure it’s perfect, than a movie star at her plastic surgeon’s office.
So, I tossed down the totally, freakin’ cool book that made me feel like the bubble gum I had stuck to my shoe the other day, and decided to get some archery practice in. 
ANOTHER big mistake.  I lost a tip.  Hit the already swollen and bruised arm at least a hundred times (I only shot 6 arrows—see I can count), I missed the bulls-eye EVERY TIME, the list just goes on and on and on. 
Of course, this was just another reminder of my suckitude.  I was certain that instead of Midas’ touch, I had what my husband has dubbed “Jessie’s touch.”  Where everything I touch will break or not go as planned.
I spent the rest of the day sulking.  I refused to do ANYTHING.  I just KNEW that if I did something the whole house would spontaneously implode, killing absolutely everything around me, EXCEPT me who would be standing in the middle of the rubble, completely unscathed, holding a part of the thing that exploded.
Yep.  Wasn’t I a piece of work?! 
I ended the day with going to bed early.
This morning I woke and the birds were singing, the sun was shining.  My WIP was calling to me, and so was this blog post.  And I knew that, today, my vacuum cleaner was going to be jealous of ME.
Happy Wednesday, peeps!

8 Responses to “Writer’s Wednesday: Why I was jealous of my vacuum cleaner.”

  1. Misty says:

    >Yeesh…been there. Reading "Speak"…the sonic voice in it…made me whip my own draft in the wood chipper. Thank God the thumb drives didn't follow it in. Glad to hear the vacuum is getting what it deserves today. Uppity vacuum.

  2. Liz Czukas says:

    >Oh My God, Jess this is hilarious. I'm so glad you posted this. And I'm glad the sun came up today.

    You know what? You don't suck. In fact, I think I hear your vacuum cleaner crying from here.

    – Liz

  3. jasouders says:

    >Misty: I know! Those stupid vacuums. Who do they think they are?!

    Liz: Since you're the goddess of funny, I'm so glad you found this hilarious. 😀

  4. ravenclark says:

    >This was delightful, Jess. SO funny. And I've been there so many times. Thanks for making me laugh out loud.


  5. jasouders says:

    >Thanks, Raven. I figured most of my writer friends would not only understand, but get a huge kick out of it. Glad it worked. 😀

  6. MJ Heiser says:

    >You know how I know you rock? You have an agent.

    When self-doubt creeps in, touch that fact in your heart and smile, honey-chile.



  7. jasouders says:

    >Thanks, MJ. I have a super-awesome agent and she loves my stories, so you're right. That's got to mean something. 😀 Thanks for the reminder.

  8. Kristal Lee says:

    I loved this post. Can't say I've ever been jealous of the vacuum cleaner, but I've certainly felt like I was the bad luck faery queen's favorite sport. Glad to hear that your run-in with her only lasted a day.